Numbness

Let me tell you what a fun week I had. Everyday at work our systems have been up and down all day so very little actual work was completed. Very frustrating since it was the one week I had no appointments and could be there all week. Friday being a deadline date for the month added more frustration.

I had to take a pain pill by the end of each day through Wednesday. Wasn’t bad enough to need one Thursday or Friday. I’m even better today. No real pain, just achy ankles. Or maybe I’ve just become accustomed to the pain. Still some numbness in my feet, but in the immortal words of the Beatles, “It’s getting better all the time.” There’s a strip of numbness down the middle of my left foot from toe to heal. And there’s a patch of numbness remaining on my right foot. I’m sure the aching in my ankles is due to walking incorrectly. For example, I’m rolling my left foot to the outside because it feels as if I’m walking on a bar or something. And I’m walking on the ball of my right foot because the numbness is toward the back. I have to consciously make myself walk normally and not do that, but it feels mighty weird walking on numbness.

I’ve taken the neurontin for six days and it appears to be helping which is a relief. I’m truly afraid of how much of this numbness will be permanent. The doc’s warning about the taxol was that it could cause permanent nerve damage. He said it would start as tingling in the tips of the fingers or toes. Boy, was he wrong! It hit me full force within a week of having the chemo. And not just my feet. More disturbing then the numbness in my feet, for a few days I had trouble urinating. I had to really concentrate to relax that muscle and let it out. A slow trickle came out and that was all I could manage. I couldn’t quite empty my bladder and had to make frequent trips to the bathroom. I started to fear getting a bladder infection. Fortunately, that went away and I’m urinating normally again.

And here’s a really bizarre thing. Way back when, 17 years ago, when I was delivering Jeremy I had an epidural. Afterward for about two years I had a numb spot on my left thigh. It was about the size of a silver dollar. Well, it’s baaaack! And it’s a bigger area now, about the size of a saucer. Weird, eh?

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the oncologist. It's time to talk about options or alternatives. I'm really terrified to take anymore of that taxol. It may be time to stop the chemo. Though it's a tough decision to make when the pressure from all around is to do whatever it takes to live longer. But what is the point if you aren't even yourself, because you are hurting or too weak and tired to do the things you enjoy? Or crippled because you have permanent nerve damage in your feet?

But that's tomorrow's worry. Today I'm painting a bedroom wall and then I don't know what else.

The good thing that happened: Luke sent me flowers on Friday. And we went to see Batman Begins. It was pretty good.