Talk about Anger

About three weeks ago, for about a week, I was angry. Really angry. Overflowing with it. The anger came bubbling up out of me, like a pot of water left too long to boil. And like that pot of water, once it all boiled out I was left empty.

I didn’t realize the rage was growing inside me until I snapped at a coworker who reminded me of a policy change (yet another) that I had forgotten. I apologized immediately for taking my frustration over my memory difficulties out on her and she accepted my apologies. But the incident left me feeling out of control.

Why all the anger and frustration? Let me count the ways.

1. Apparently, chemo or stress or uncertainty (I can’t really say which because this is one of the questions the doctor has failed to answer for me) causes problems with memory. It’s a struggle to remember simple things or keep track of changes at work or family schedules at home. I’m not normally a list maker, but I’ve had to become one to organize my work. I feel like I’m loosing brainpower if not my mind (jury is still out on that).

2. I take pride in my work and now because of the time I’m forced to take off or due to utter exhaustion, I’m unable to do my job well. I can’t keep up. My work is behind and I can’t keep track of new policy memos. I’m angry with myself for not being able to overcome this situation and continue to do a good job.

3. This situation has taken over my life, my time, my freedom. I can’t get away from it. I am Cancer Woman day and night. From the dust that constantly gets in my eyes because my eyelashes are too few and short to protect them to the pain in my chest from the port being squeezed that wakes me in the middle of the night. Everything I do, I have to plan around cancer treatment.

4. Though I think it’s too late in the middle of treatment to change doctors, I’m getting more and more unhappy with the oncologist. He always seems to be rushed, running out of the room before I finish asking my questions. When I do get the questions out he tells me it is too soon to ask or I’m not paying attention. That means he thinks I’m arguing about treatment when all I want is an explanation. Please tell me why we are following this course of treatment and what is the next step. He seems to take these inquiries as questioning his decisions. He talks to me as if I couldn’t possibly understand. This, of course, is compounded by my loss of words, due in part to chemo. Sometimes it's even a struggle to get the words to come out of my mouth.

5. When I have a problem the doc tells me either, chemo doesn’t do that (and he sends me to another specialist or just shrugs) or acts annoyed that I didn’t tell him sooner, or gives me the impression that perhaps it’s my own fault? Or sometimes, he asks why I am telling him about something and not just calling my PCP. Of course then he fussed at me for telling my PCP something before mentioning it to him. It’s all very confusing and again, I can’t get straight answers out of anyone.

6. When this all began everyone at the Treatment Center was so nice and concerned and attentive. I thought as time went by that I would receive very thoughtful and comprehensive care. That has not turned out to be the case, at least not in the way I imagined. Oh, I think I’m getting the right course of treatment, with the chemo and the blood tests monitoring everything and the doctor visit schedule, etc. (Only because my own research online seems to suggest this is the most common way to treat Stage III breast cancer). The problem is there has been nothing beyond chemo and blood tests. For example, I expected some advice on nutrition because it’s hard to eat normal foods when everything tastes bad. Perhaps to even talk to a nutritionist. It’s important to eat more than Jell-O! Yet no one has talked to me about it beyond, “How’s your appetite?” Although I’ve told them “poor” the last 4 or 5 visits no one has commented on it. They write it down and go on with the next question as if I’m a research project and they’re just gathering data. When I directly ask they say, try to eat better. The only nutritional advice I’ve gotten is online (where I learned it’s important not to lose weight while undergoing chemo) and from my nephrologist who was concerned about my potassium and magnesium levels. The oncologist never even mentioned they were off as if his only concern is hemoglobin. This is scary to me as I am a whole person, not just blood and cancer. I don’t want to rid myself of cancer by forfeiting the rest of my health. Which leads to…

7. The doctor seems to think quantity of life is more important than quality. I may be misreading this, but it’s hard to tell because he won’t answer my questions about what happens after chemo. The first time I asked him what happens after the chemo is over he just said matter-of-factly, “Then you’ll have a mastectomy.” I was shocked at this because we had never discussed this. We had discussed lumpectomy. I reminded him of that and asked him if a mastectomy was necessary. I think this is the point he really started getting annoyed with me. He said for me it was the way to go. I asked him why? He said it was too soon to discuss. But it was clear he had already decided so I pressed him to explain why lopping off my breast was preferable to removing the lump. His response was because it is shrinking so fast there may not be a lump so we take the whole breast and that way we can chop it up and see if there is any cancer left. I asked if this was purely done “just in case” as a preventative measure or if there was a medical reason to do it. Wouldn’t a PET scan tell him if there was any cancer left? I still don’t know. He looked at me as if I was insane. Certifiable. This was the end of the conversation. Again he insisted it was too soon to discuss it. and quickly left the room. I had no choice but to let it go that day. Another day I tried to discuss it with him again. I told him, I need to understand what the steps are (after the chemo) that he'll take to decide what options I have. I told him I wasn’t questioning his authority; I just needed to understand everything. I want to be sure that what I am putting myself through, will be worth the outcome. Again he insisted it was too soon to discuss it. This only worries me more. It tells me that whatever lays in store can’t be good because he would offer nothing beyond the very next chemo treatment. And I feel he is denying me the power to make decisions based on my own priorities.

8. There has been no concern (at the center) about how I’m doing emotionally (or my family for that matter) or suggestions for dealing with this. I might as well have the flu. Even though, like the poor appetite, I’ve told them I often don’t sleep well unless I take a sleeping pill.

9. It has become clear to me that the doctor and his staff have no regard for any one’s time but the doctor’s. They have no trouble calling me at the last minute and asking me to come at a different time than scheduled. Never mind that I’ve had an appointment for over a week, at a time they initially insisted on. I’m coming from 80 miles away. I often am relying on someone else to take me who has arranged their schedule to accomodate me. Sometimes I have scheduled appointments with other doctors on the same day which they are well aware of. Then they become highly annoyed if I’m unable to change my schedule to suit their whim. My last appointment they asked if I could come early in the morning because the doc had hospital rounds in the afternoon. I told them, no problem. I arrived 20 minutes early, was the second appointment and I still waited two hours after my appointment time before the doctor came in. Why? I don’t know. Maybe he decided to do his rounds first. Then he told us, based on LAST WEEK’S blood work, he decided not to do chemo that day. Now tell me why he didn’t call me and tell me this and save me the trip (and gas $)? Not to mention the prescription I took before leaving the house in preparation for chemo that I now have to refill - another $24. And Luke and I both missed another workday unnecessarily.

These are some of the things I was and am angry about. The ones that immediately come to mind, anyway. I have better control of it now because I think my hormones have leveled off some. At least the vaginal bleeding seems to have stopped. And as I said before, this week off from chemo has done me some physical and emotional good.

I just did a word count – 1550 words. That’s a whole chapter. Which reminds me, I should be working on my young adult fantasy novel not complaining about my current lot in life.

The happy thing that happened: Got a postcard from Egypt where my sister Sharon took a two-week trip. How cool is that?