Mastectomy

The thought of a mastectomy is very disturbing to me. I can't fathom having a part of my body removed. And I can't help being suspicious of a medical community that has historically treated women with considerable less dignity than men. I've never heard of reports of doctors encouraging men to have parts of their bodies removed if not absolutely medically necessary, yet this sort of thing has been documented to happen to women time and again. We all know woman who have had things like routine C-sections and hysterectomies for reasons that don't seem to make sense. Is it any wonder that I buck at the suggestion of a mastectomy by a doctor who seems to have made up his mind but is reluctant to discuss it with me? Of course, I know it's up to me whether we follow that course or not, but how do I make an informed decision when I don't trust the doctor? Perhaps something will change before the end of chemo and this line of thought will be moot, but until then I'm trying to hash it out and prepare myself for the worst.

The surprising thing to me in all this is many women's reaction when I tell them I don't want a mastectomy. They can't understand why this would be a problem for me. They would not hesitate to have it done. They invariably say, "Don't you want to live?" Which brings up the question, just how far would you go to live? What price will you pay? Mutilation? Kidney failure and thus life on dialysis? Or, in light of my recent liver problems, some other organ failure? Alive, but feeling sick all the time so that your life sucks? To me, life is only worth it if you can enjoy it. Of course, losing a breast wouldn't make life unbearable, but it would alter it in a way that you shouldn't take lightly. The doc doesn't seem to think it's reasonable to want to know if there are other options because TO HIM it's the best option. And maybe it is, but I can't say right now because I don't have all the facts. And no one is asking the doc to lop off a part of his body.

Some of my women friends have said they would have a mastectomy even if the doc told them a lumpectomy would do the job. This leads me to wonder if they hate their own bodies or is that the depth of their fear of death. They say, no one will be able to tell. You'll wear a prosthesis or have reconstructive surgery. But the point for me is not whether other people can tell. The point is I will have to look at myself in the mirror every day and my body will no longer look or (just as important, if not more) feel like me. Perhaps I'm a more tactile person.

I went online and found pictures of women who had had mastectomies. The pictures were meant to reassure women facing this decision, but the women in the pictures were terribly scarred. I reacted to the pictures with emotional horror. How could this be okay? Some of the pictures showed the various ways reconstructions are done while others showed mastectomies without reconstruction. The ones without were actually less disturbing than the ones with. They use flesh from other parts of a woman's body (such as the abdomen) for the reconstructed breast. In one picture, for example, not only was her chest full of scars, but she was scarred all over her abdomen as if she had been eviscerated. Also her belly button was off center. The result was a crisscross of scars and a nippleless chunk of flesh with no feeling that came no where near matching her other breast.

Someone told me that someone had told them that when they went through it the flesh of the breast was removed, but the outer skin and nipple where left intact. In this way she had an implant (like you would with a breast enlargement) and it looked fine. This wouldn't be so bad, but it is hearsay and I haven't found anything online like this. My doctor, of course, is loathe to discuss it. I know the surgeon will tell me my options when the time comes and it's pointless to worry about until then, but I can't help it if my mind goes back there. I haven't looked at or for any more pictures, though. That was a bad idea.

I think what the doc doesn't understand (and some of my women friends) is how I will feel after it's done. He says once you have the mastectomy you will be all done with it. But I won't. I'll have to live disfigured for the rest of my life. He will, however, be done with me, so I guess that's a good thing.

Again this whole thought process may be pointless, because as the doc is fond of saying, it's too soon to discuss. Anything could happen. For example, I sure didn't expect the tumors to shrink so quickly. Now that I've gotten this out of my system I'll go back to being as optimistic as I can.

Sometimes I feel like life is just a series of tests. I wonder how I'm doing on this one?