Saturday, April 30, 2005

Blood

Went to the doc on Thursday. The good news is my potassium was much better. The bad news is I was WAY anemic. The doc said I was blending in with the walls which were this yellowish-beigeish off-white color. What I had expected to be a 30 minute doctor visit turned into an all day thing because I had to have a blood transfusion. Yes sir, yes sir, two bags full. He said I'd feel like a million bucks afterward. Sadly, I fell a little short of a million, but that may be because I also had the aranasp shot which makes me ache. It did take care of the heart palpitations and shortness of breath though. I guess it wasn't love after all.

Now that most of the effects of the shot have worn off I do feel a lot better and more energetic. And the headache is gone. Woohoo.

Hopefully my sense of humor will improve too. While talking to the nurse who was giving me blood I made some lame joke about needing blood due to a nocturnal visit from a vampire. (Pathetic). She gave me that polite smile we give people who tell awful jokes that aren't funny, but we don't want to hurt their feelings. You know, half a smile, raise the eyebrows, nod the head slightly, utter, "Ah." I felt compelled to apologize. I told her I was weak and tired and had a tremendous headache and I promised to be wittier when I felt better. Without missing a beat, she patted my arm and said, "I'm sure you will be."

It really did take all day. They offered me a room with a bed so I wouldn't have to sit in the chemo chair for long hours on end, which can get pretty uncomfortable. It was a pleasant room with a big window looking out over a big tree that was blowing in the wind. I had my book and a television and an adjustable bed. And I was there from 11:00 am until 4:00 pm. They have to give the blood very slowly. I believe that's so it doesn't overwhelm the kidneys and cause kidney failure. I'm sensing a recurring theme here.

They brought me a BLT, which was disgustingly smothered in mayonnaise, and some potato chips. Thankfully, one of the pink ladies kept coming around bringing me graham crackers and juice. That may be another reason I didn't feel like a million bucks when I was done. I ate a bagel at 7:00 am and the only other food I had until 7:00 pm was graham crackers and chips. Next time I go to the doc or for chemo or anything I'm packing a lunch and bringing my laptop.

The good thing that happened: I had a $10 off coupon for Lowe's so I went by there on my way home and bought some flowers and two hanging baskets.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Nuttin'

I've got nothing to say today. But maybe that's a good thing. At least I'm not complaining.

We've been having this awesome weather lately. (Uh, oh, it's pathetic when you're reduced to talking about the weather.) It's cool outside, but not cold and sunny. Perfect being-outside weather.

Tomorrow I have the 10 days-post-chemo doctor appointment and blood tests and shot. Hopefully my numbers will be better this time. I'm trying to eat bananas and drink orange juice and whatnot. The only thing I have to complain about is I'm having some heart palpitations and shortness of breath. But hey, maybe I'm just in love.

This is totally unrelated to cancer (go ahead, say it, "OH at last!"). The other day I was watching The Daily Show with John Stewart and they showed this clip of a chimpanzee smoking a cigarette! It was the weirdest thing! The curious thing was that chimp looked more natural and at ease smoking that cigarette than I ever did and I smoked for 14 years. I kept thinking, maybe it was a man in a chimp suit. Only it wasn't. I hope you get a chance to see it, if you missed it.

I told you I had nothing today.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Three down - five to go

My third chemo almost didn’t happen because my blood work wasn’t good. My red and white blood cells were low, my creatinine was high(er than usual). For the benefit of those who don’t monitor their kidney function on a regular basis, creatinine is what they use to measure how well the kidneys are doing their job of flushing out the bad stuff. In a nut shell, high creatinine means not flushing so well. My oncologist called my nephrologist (who’d of thought I’d have so many specialists of my very own) to discuss it and they decided that it would be okay to go ahead with chemo this time.

While having chemo I met a woman who had lymphoma. She was finished with her initial treatment regiment, but had to return every six months to have chemo once a week for four weeks. This is how cancer changes people's lives forever. She also finished the book she was reading and gave it to me. It was such a nice and simple gesture that now I think I will bring the books I have finished with me next time and give them to other patients.

After the chemo I had go to the lab and pee in a cup for the nephrologist. While waiting my turn the nurse who did the chemo came running in - the nephrologist had sent her after me to give me potassium. I already take potassium supplements, but apparently I needed more. These pills are very hard to swallow. They are big and rough and get caught in your throat. It’s worse if you break them in half because then they have rough edges. The nurse stood over me and made sure I took them right there in front of her, which I thought was pretty funny. After all it was potassium, not an anti-psychotic.

So I survived chemo three adding an extra appointment to see the nephrologist. When I got home I felt pretty yucky and wiped out. But I found a letter in my mailbox from the 12 year old daughter of an old friend. She had even included some pictures. Perfect timing.

Thursday I saw the nephrologist. She showed me the lab work and while my creatinine was a little higher than normal, it wasn't terrible. It was 1.4. Before starting chemo it was at 1.3. For perspective, normal levels for an adult female are 0.5 to 1.1 and dialysis is needed when you get to 10. So it's higher than normal, but not panic time. She was more concerned about my potassium level. Now before chemo I have to see her, too, not just the oncologist.

Thursday after treatment is the lowest day for me, so when I got home from the doc I just fell into bed and slept a few hours. The rest of the day I slept off and on in a recliner.

I'll try to describe how this feels. It's not like just being exhausted. It feels like dying. And not like I imagined that would feel like. It's not a spiritual kind of feeling. More like decay. Your skin hurts on the inside, like a low burning feeling. Only you feel cold on the outside and you can't get warm. Fortunately, the worst of that is Wednesday night and Thursday. Friday is mostly weakness. I went to work on Friday for half a day because I couldn't bear sitting home all day.

Here are some other fun facts about chemo: I now have a constant bad taste in my mouth. I suck on these frozen juice things that help with that a lot and they give me more liquid. I have to drink a lot of liquid. Since starting chemo my blood pressure has been steadily dropping. Yesterday my pressure was 103 over 60 so I didn't take my BP med. I have a minor headache most of time. Even on my good days I can't do too many things without stopping to rest. This is frustrating. It's like I'm 70 instead of 41. And, speaking of getting old, I've noticed a lot of new wrinkles. My face is starting to look aged. I hope this is a temporary thing and perhaps seems worse because of the baldness.

That's enough complaining for now! It's a beautiful day outside. In fact it's cool and I'm going to open the windows and air out the house.

And did you see the soccer cake I made for Jeremy? Pretty funny, huh? Well it was my first attempt and I was making it up as I went along. It's not like I had a special pan or anything. I baked the cake in an oven safe bowl to get the round shape.

Jeremy won Soccer All-District Honorable Mention as a defender. This is something all the coaches in the district vote on. Considering he's on the second to worst team in the district, I think it's pretty awesome that the other coaches noticed him and voted for him.

Forgetfulness or A funny thing happened on the way to chemo

I’m back. Did you think I just quit blogging? I know I’m way behind, but it’s getting harder to do this. When I started I thought it would be easy to log on each day and jot down a few things about how I was feeling. "Today is a good day. I got out of bed." "Today is a bad day, I can hardly move." But the truth is the chemo is getting harder and I’ve just been too weak and brain dead to think, let alone blog. Mostly this week I've been sitting and sleeping and waiting to feel better. And when I do feel good I want to use what little energy I have doing enjoyable things like being outside planting flowers or even just doing mundane things that make me feel normal. Like laundry. I know, sounds crazy, but the pure normalness of folding clothes makes me feel better. And I don’t have to think at all to fold shirts.

Monday I had my third treatment. But before I tell you about that I want to tell you about the stupid thing I did (or why I love living in a small town reason no. 36). These days there are so many things happening that I have to write everything down just to keep track of everything. Things like doctor appointments, days I have to have shots, chemo days, etc. If I don’t write it down on a calendar I forget.

Last Sunday evening about 8:30 I was going over a checklist in my mind for the next morning’s chemo treatment. That’s when I realized that I completely forgot to have my Emend prescription refilled. This is the med that I take an hour before chemo to prevent nausea. A very important pill, but I didn’t panic. I thought I’d have to have the doc call it in at a Shreveport pharmacy. Then I’d just have to kill an hour after taking it before having the chemo. No problem.

That’s when I remembered this is the med that the pharmacy has to order a day ahead of time. The pharmacies don’t stock it because it’s so expensive. Now I’m kicking myself. I know my pharmacist should have it because he said he’d order it for the next treatment each time I filled it. My doc appointment was for 8:10 a.m., which means I have to leave my house about 6:45. I thought maybe if I was lucky the pharmacy opened early, like around 7, and I could get it just before leaving town. I’d be a little late, but hey, at least I wouldn’t be sick.

This pharmacy also offers online services and durable medical supplies and stuff. So I went on-line to see if I could find the store hours. They didn't have the hours listed, but they did have a 24-hotline number for some of their services. I called that number just to see if they could tell me the store hours. I found myself telling the answering service why I needed to know when the store opened and he very rudely informed me that they didn’t open until 8 o’clock. But just as he was hanging up he said, “But I’ll tell Mr. Causey you called.” A few minutes later Causey called me. This is why I love living here. At 9 o’clock on a Sunday night, in his undershirt, the pharmacist met me at the store and gave me the medicine I needed for the morning. And he was perfectly cheerful about it even though it was my own forgetfulness and my own fault that I didn’t have it. Can you get that kind of service elsewhere? I don't really know, but I do know that here that sort of thing is not extraordinary.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Jeremy's Birthday


Here's one of Jeremy's customized guitar picks that he got for his birthday. The symbol stands for Truth and Life.

Here is the soccer ball cake Dawn made for him.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Postscript

Back from doc.

The good news: The doc agrees it's not my imagination. The lump in my breast is considerably smaller.

The bad news: still anemic. The shots aren't doing their job well enough. We've added iron supplements. The doctor was quite surprised that I was feeling fine and still working and gardening and such. What he said was that I was "curiously asymptomatic" considering my blood levels. Then he laughed and said now that I knew, I'd probably be exhausted. He was joking, but little does he know, I'm totally suggestible and probably will be tired now. Thanks doc.

Looking forward to Jeremy's soccer banquet tonight.

Ordinary days

Last week was like ordinary life. I felt good. I wasn't tired. I worked a whole 40 hours. I went out to lunch with friends. Over the weekend I cooked and did laundry. I cleaned up and weeded the flower bed and planted flowers. Then we had a storm that battered the new plants. I hope they recover.

What I didn't do was any writing or blogging. As much as I enjoy sharing deep thoughts, (not to mention being in love with my own words and ideas) after all day in front of a computer at work, I couldn't bring myself to open my computer at home. And the weather was so perfect Saturday and Sunday I just had to take advantage of it. But I was happy to have an uneventful week.

Uneventful, except that Jeremy was confirmed. I had plenty of deep thoughts that night, but I think I'll keep them to myself. In my older age I'm starting to learn some self-restraint when it comes to sharing everything I think about.

Expressed concern from family and friends and perhaps a moment of common sense has led me to change my work hours for the duration of treatment. I'm going back to eight hour days, five day weeks. I'm going to miss my Mondays off, but ten hours/day was too much some weeks.

Yesterday I got a call from the surgeon's office. He wanted to see me before the port surgery. He just could not believe the dang thing had turned around. Of course, he knew it had, because he'd seen the CT scans. Perhaps you heard about the storms and flooding in Shreveport yesterday, the traffic fatalities. The good thing that happened yesterday (for me) was that the clouds blew away and everything dried up before I had to drive up there.

Anyway, the doc turned the port around. Just squeezing it through my skin he moved it around and flipped it over. Yes, OUCH! But worth it. It looks like no surgery today. Unless it flipped again while I slept, but I don't think so. It's protruding from my chest once again. I can really feel the difference. I have an appointment with the oncologist today and will have blood drawn from the port. We'll know for sure then.

Here's a happy thing: I still haven't lost my eyebrows or eyelashes. Woohoo! Being bald isn't so bad. The hats are comfortable and, still having eyebrows and eyelashes, I don't look sick. Also if I get hot at home I just take off my hat and instantly cool off. Unfortunately, the hair on my legs is still growing. No shaving my legs was supposed to be a good consequence of chemo!

Another happy thing: I can't feel the lump in my neck anymore! That doesn't mean it's gone, but it does mean it's smaller which is what this chemo is all about. The one in my breast is also changing and is harder to find. Everyone clap your hands and say yippee!

Now I'm off to see the cancer doc.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Jeremy's Confirmation

Okay - it's kind of off-topic but here are some really bad pics of Jeremy's confirmation taken with my cell-phone cam.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Two down - six to go

Last Monday I had the second chemo treatment. This post has been a long time coming, but this time chemo kicked my a--! I'm not really sure if it was the chemo or the shots on Tuesday and Thursday or trying to work 10 hour days. I guess all three combined to wipe me out. I was too tired every day to think about blogging or to do anything. Wednesday I went to work, but soon went home. I tried again Thursday and stuck it out all day, but that was a mistake. Friday I was too weak to move all day. I just sat in the recliner.

You can't imagine how tired and weak you can be. I felt like I was 100 years old.

That's not the really interesting thing about this second treatment though. No, the fun began Monday morning when I went for chemo. Luke went with me, even though I thought I could manage on my own. That was the good thing that happened that day. We arrived at the Cancer Treatment Center about 10 am. Each time the first thing they do is take blood, then you see the doctor or nurse practitioner, then have the chemo. This time, however, the substitute nurse (Mary wasn't in) poked the needle into the port only to have it hit a wall. She poked and poked again and could not get in. Then she grabbed another nurse who also poked around. Yes, that's right, they were stabbing me in the chest with a needle over and over. Granted it's a tiny needle, but still.

Anyway they wanted to know if the port had been accessed before. Of course, I told them. Patty, over in chemo had no trouble. So they called Patty and she came in and said, uh oh, the port turned around. It's backwards. It happens.

What does this mean? I'll tell you. It meant I spent the day waiting on radiology to take x-rays to make sure it was backwards. Then waiting on CT because the dang thing is plastic and can't be seen on the x-ray. Then waiting for the radiologist to come and decide if he wanted to try to turn it around. (Don't ask how, I don't want to talk about it.) Then finally, after all day, they had to inject the chemo right into my arm. Have I mentioned before what terrible veins I have?

Patty put a hot cloth on my arm. I guess that makes the vein easier to stab. For the first drug Patty told me that if the vein is punctured and the chemo leaks it'll cause third degree burns and she instructed me to scream if I felt any pain or burning. These are her words, "don't be brave, scream immediately." These are not words you want to hear when someone is sticking a needle/tube in your arm.

But, thankfully, she knew her stuff and I wasn't burned. Luke ran out and got us some dinner and we ate while I had the second drug. We finally finished and could go home a little after 5 pm. That's right, seven hours at the hospital. Then we had the drive home. It was a long day and if Luke hadn't been there, I might have mortally wounded one of the x-ray techs.

You are probably wondering how the port got turned around. Patty said probably because I sleep on my side and I'll have to stop sleeping that way. Is she kidding? Have you ever tried to change the position you sleep in? What new hell will I have to endure?

That's not the end though. The port is still backward. I have to have surgery again to turn the port around or replace it before my next chemo treatment. And they have to stick my arm again to draw blood before surgery. The joy never ends.

The good thing that happened: Saturday was our local Jazz/R&B music Festival (easy on the jazz) and the day was beautiful. I felt good enough to go out there for a couple hours and see Luke perform with the NSU Jazz Band (probably the only actual jazz at the festival) and see a few other bands too. Not to mention seeing friends we haven't seen for a while.

Things I want to do: Can you believe I can't think of anything I want to do?