Hair Loss and Antidepressants

Took off half a day today. Trying not to over do it. I’m back to being tired again. That’s what poison does to you.

My hair started to fall out again last Saturday. It had been growing back and for a while it felt like my life and my appearance might be getting back to normal. It had grown enough that I stopped wearing hats everywhere. It was coming in dark, almost black and silver/gray, just like my sister Cheryl’s hair. My hair used to be a medium brown.

I wonder if it’ll grow in dark like this again or if I’ll get a new color. When that bunch of hair came loose in my fingers I didn’t handle it too well. I knew it would fall out again, but… This is hard. I had an early morning break down. But Luke was there and reminded why I’m doing all this.

I didn’t shave my head this time. My hair is really short anyway. It’s amazing how thick it is, though. It’s a real mess, especially in the shower where most of it comes out. Before I leave the house I run the dust buster over my head (oh yes I do) to catch the loose hairs and then pull on my hat.

A few people have suggested to me that maybe I should try antidepressants. First let me say I've tried them before and they definitely helped when I needed it. I'm not knocking them, but the truth is eventually they make me feel flat. Yes, the crying stops, but so does the laughing.

Here’s how I feel about it. This is the biggest event of my life. I own these emotions. I'm not going to be denied the feelings, no matter how hard they are, that come with it. I need to be able to lose it sometimes and I need to be able to laugh too and to curse the universe and to beg my ancestors to intervene, knowing it's fruitless, to feel despair and to have hope. I also need to feel calm and normal and know that’s real. Of course, having said all that, I know very well that things change and I may change my mind later, but for now - no antidepressants.