Tuesday

There I was, innocently working at my desk about 3:30. Dr. Badeaux’s nurse called and said can you come over for a few minutes? I have an appointment with him in a few days so I ask can it wait till then? (Why did I ask that?) No, he’d like to see you right now. Okay that’s when I knew. But maybe not. Maybe he was in a hurry to give me good news so I wouldn’t worry, right? Somehow I couldn’t convince myself.

“It’s cancer. I’m sorry.” And so there we were. How does the faucet get turned on so easily? He spoke the words and the water flowed right out of my eyes as if on cue. And I suppose it was. You’d think it would take a few minutes for it all to sink in before I could muster up tears. I guess I must have known. I must have been waiting to hear the words so I could let the water flow.

They were oh so kind. Any questions? Questions!! Just tell me what to do. “Well,” he said, “it didn’t start in your neck. That much we know. Which means it started somewhere else and we have to find out where.” Breast lump! I know where. Scheduled another test – CT of abdomen and pelvis. Mammogram is already set up.

Oh no, I didn’t have my keys I was going to have to go back into my office to get them. Everyone would want to know what happened. The nurse offered to get them for me or call someone to bring them. Oh so nice, but no. No use putting it off.

I headed back to my office. How can it be such a beautiful day outside? But then how many times have I said that at a funeral. It always seems to be so beautiful outside when you are saddest inside. I stopped to lean on the brick wall because I was feeling a little weak and looked up to see Doris at the stop sign. That wouldn't do. I started walking and smiled and waved, please don’t stop to ask me what’s wrong. Stepped into my office and three coworkers were there in the reception area. What happened? It’s bad. It’s cancer. OMG, I said it out loud. Now there were more people. Somehow I told them what I knew. They wanted to drive me home, but I wouldn’t let them. I only live a few blocks away.

I had to call Luke so he could take off from work tomorrow.

I went home and told Jeremy.

I decide to wait to call my family (in New Orleans) until after the tests are run and we know something of what will happen.

There were some moments here, but I don't intend to relate personal conversations. I don't want people to fear having intimate moments published on this blog.

What I'm thankful for: I'm not alone.