Greetings from Cancer World. Be warned, this entry's going to be a long one. First let me say I'm alive and doing fine. Fine, at least, for someone in the middle of chemotherapy. I'll give the happy news right up front. At the last blood test, about a week ago, my creatinine was back to normal, 1.1. The doc couldn't really explain it, but let's not look a gift horse in the mouth.
Emotionally I've been going through a rough patch and haven't wanted to communicate. I've been swinging from one emotion to another and I didn't want to write anything and put it out there for fear I'd regret it later. I seem to be leveling off now.
I've also been taking a good hard look at just what my purpose is with this blog. Do I just want to use to it to inform family and friends that I'm still here, hanging in or do I want to go deeper with it? Every time I sit to write I wonder am I going to just wave and say, "Hi guys, still alive" or am I going to share the whole process of this illness including the really tough stuff? Some things are so personal that I've stopped short of sharing them. Will it embarrass me? Will it embarrass my family and friends? When I started this I didn't consider that there would be things that I would be embarrassed to talk about. But it turns out there are.
Lately, I've had some questions about what's to come over the past few weeks and I'm going to have to call one or two of the women I know who've been through this to find out what happened to them. And I'm thinking, what if, later, someone going through this themselves has questions for me? I'm beginning to feel like I need to keep a more accurate record and that leaving things out is dishonest.
Considering some of the previous entries recounting how awful I was feeling physically, you may be wondering what I could've left out. What could be worse than feeling like you're decaying inside? Nothing really. I was just embarrassed to mention certain things. And the more I thought about it, the sillier that embarrassment became.
For example, almost from the very beginning I've been dealing with a hemorrhoid problem. Naturally, associated with this is blood in the stools. For this reason I had to go to a Colon and Rectal specialist, who I fondly refer to as The Butt Doctor (or as Luke would say, "the one we don't talk about"). Let me tell you, I'd rather have a gynecological exam every day for a week than go to The Butt Doctor once. He gave me some cream and some fiber powder and instructed to me to sit in a tub of warm water for 15 minutes three times a day. This is impossible. Am I allowed no life at all? And have you ever tried to swallow the slime that's created when you add that powder to water or juice? I did it twice and that was the end of that. I did find some fiber wafers to chew that sort of taste like sweet tarts. The problem with them is you have to take two or three and drink eight ounces of water with each one. That's not so bad by itself, but working it into my drug taking regiment is crazy.
Have I mentioned my medication schedule? I take 13 pills a day. Some on an empty stomach, some with food, some with eight ounces of water, some can't be taken at the same time as others. Theoretically I have morning pills and evening pills, but the ones that require all the water have to be spaced out so I don't drown. I start taking my morning pills at home about 6:30 a.m. and finish some time around 9:00 a.m. at the office. Of course, I'm not counting the ones I take on chemo days and the four days following to prevent nausea. Nor am I counting the shots I have to get, one every two weeks and the other every three weeks.
But I digress. At first The Butt Doctor said I might have to have a colonoscopy. After the treatment regiment for a couple weeks and then trying to schedule an appointment on my "off" weeks (no chemo weeks) I had to go back this past week so he could examine me again. Since there have been no more bloody stools I think I'm safe from the colonoscopy.
Another problem I'm having is this - wait - first any men reading this might want to skip this paragraph. I know how these things make you uncomfortable. However, you women can sympathize. My hormones have gone crazy. In the last six weeks I've had menstrual bleeding three times for six or seven days each time. The first off-cycle bleeding came about two weeks early and then every other week thereafter. The first time it happened I asked the nurse practitioner who said chemo could mess up your cycle. Everything I've read has said this also. The third time it happened I told the oncologist who said chemo doesn't do that and I needed to go see a gynecologist to find out what else was wrong with me. He said it can stop your cycle, but it doesn't cause frequent recurrences. This seemed awfully coincidental to me, though, considering my cycle is like clockwork every 28 to 30 days without fail and never for more than 3 days. Now I'm bleeding for seven days every other week after a couple of chemotherapy treatments? So this past week, not only did I see The Butt Doctor, I also saw the gynecologist. Fortunately I really like this gynecologist. (When she walks into a room you immediately feel at ease. As if she's got some sort of positive aura surrounding her.) She says she thinks the bleeding is from the chemo and that it should stabilize. I have to call her if it comes again too soon. She didn't want to add hormones to what I'm already going through. See why I like her? I do have an ultrasound scheduled for June 9th just to take a look-see and be sure there's nothing else going on. My next chemo is Tuesday, the 31st and June 9th should be my follow-up visit for that too. Anytime I can double-up trips to Shreveport it's a good thing.
I don't know if I've mentioned that every time I talk to the oncologist or one of the nurses they ask if I have any sores in my mouth. They warned me the sores can get pretty bad, and sometimes people are hospitalized to control the pain. About a week and a half ago my mouth finally broke out in the dreaded sores. It was the strangest thing. I was sitting at my desk at work when suddenly I had two sores. It was just like that, too. My mouth was fine one instant and then, bam, sores. By the end of the day my mouth was full of them. Now I have, added to my already busy schedule of drug taking, bathing, working, etc., two (not one) mouthwashes to be used three times a day. I spend more time in the bathroom then anywhere else. Fortunately, the sores have cleared up and my mouth feels okay again. I'm worried about my teeth moving, though, because I can't wear my retainer. I'm afraid it'll rub the inside of my mouth and bring on sores.
That's about it for the physical problems, I think. Later, I'll tell you about some of the emotional stuff.
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